9-27-26
It hasn't even been a full week since I've been clear to bear weight (with a boot). The first 36 hours were very wobbly. I still needed crutches to get around. I moved to just one crutch and now can surf around without them. It's been very nice to cook and shower without all the extra accessories.
But I'm really far from normal still. I took it pretty easy the first few days. On Friday, I went for a short walk in the boot at CPP, mostly for my mental health. The sunshine and fresh air was great. But my ankle didn't like it. I came home and put it up.
Saturday, I cycled very slowly on resistance 1 for 40 minutes. It felt good to move my legs and my ankle felt fine. But then I ran a few errands and stood for quite a long time. It was very angry. So I stayed on the sofa for quite some time after that.
After getting nearly 11 hours of sleep, I woke up and it didn't feel achy. Of course, all that changes throughout the day. Even just sitting after a while hurts because I'm not elevating it.
I do my very gentle PT exercises and grimace. It's hard to not feel fear that I'll never feel good again. I hobble a few steps every morning to the bathroom without the boot and I can't believe I'll ever just get up and walk normally again.
I have grieved the running and adventures I lost, but never really worried about getting back at some point. The thoughts enter my brain.
I miss all the big things in running, but I had a longing yesterday for the freedom of what it was. Being on a trail mid-morning, without worrying about getting back at some point in time. The sharp turns at Bull Mountain right before the creek seem all but a fond memory right now. Trudging up a gravel road, deep into a very long day is something I ache to do again.
So many things turned on their head that it feels hard to believe I'll have a sliver of this normalcy again.
10-4-2026
I've been sick with a cold for nearly a week. It's been frustrating to be dealing with a bum ankle, sick, and caretaking a sick person. But we're on the better side of things now and slowly making our way back to our normal. The good news of this was that I was forced into rest. I felt crummy enough to cancel my PT appointments as I didn't want to get anyone sick. And spent 5 days pretty much just existing.
I've still got congestion and a bit of a cough, but feeling way better than a few days ago. So I've slowly started back with lifting and cycling. I went to the gym for the first time in 7 weeks this weekend. I have a recumbent bike at home and was anxious to try an upright bike. Luckily, it felt no different and while I stayed in zone 1 the whole time, it felt good nonetheless.
My PT didn't want me swimming yet so I'm pretty much relegated to the bike (gently) and lifting to do anything fitness-related still. We were supposed to possibly transition to the lace-up ankle brace this past week, at least indoors. But obviously I didn't go to PT and am trying to be a good patient. So I kept without the swimming and without the brace.
And how's the ankle? It's moving on the right direction I think! I've been so hesitant to speak about it going well, but every day feels a little better. I'm walking very easily in the boot without any sort of pain or issue. The few steps I take each day to the bathroom and shower without it feel better each day. It's still is far from great though. I am not confident or strong enough to walk without a limp. And only doing the smallest bouts of movement without support.
Even walking regularly feels like a long way away. But I'll take any kind of progress at this point.
10-13-26
I'm feeling like I'm either at a plateau or backtracking with the ankle. I was cleared to transition to the brace last Wednesday around the house and it hasn't been great. On Friday, a bunch of storms were rolling through and it hurt really bad that night after a cycle and lift session at the gym. Saturday, I did a workout at home that day and kept the ankle in the boot.
Sunday was better, I did a short ride at the gym and used the boot while I was lifting, but stayed seated. Yesterday was pretty achy though. I had a lot of soreness all day long and I was not on my feet much.
I am just feeling really defeated right now. Like, it feels worse than pre-surgery. At least I was able to walk around pretty comfortably. Now I can't even go down the street without it aching.
I've never been through this before. I can only compare it to very minor stress reactions I had and those were pretty much healed in 6 weeks time after just being in the boot. Now I'm at 8+ weeks post-surgery and while I've ditched the crutches and knee scooter, I feel like I'm a long way from even walking normally. And just the daily soreness/ache is frustrating. I can certainly deal with having pain, but I also need to know that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
It's not necessarily all the time, thankfully. There are times of relief in that I'm not thinking about it. But it's often enough that when I spiral, I spiral hard. The superficial stuff like ever getting to run again, let alone run well. And then how will I ever be able to run fast enough to BQ again? It still is 6 months away, but it feels impossible right now.
Then there is the more real stuff like just doing anything to live my life. Caretaking and chores and doing anything that requires a little bit of walking. Just feeling very panicky about all of it and hoping that I haven't made a huge mistake having this surgery.
10-24-26
Things might be finally headed in the right direction. It's far from good, but I do feel might at the end of the tunnel. Which thankfully is way different than how I was feeling 11 days ago.
After discussing my issues with my PT about the brace, he wanted me to try just walking around in shoes inside my house, brace-free. The thought was that it would allow me to have a little better range of motion and start strengthening my right leg. Much, much better. I haven't worn the brace since. Maybe I'll use it in my transition to running, but that still seems pretty far away.
I have walked a mile the last 2 days, very slowly. The ankle doesn't ache any more than it does usually at the end of the day, but I also want to make sure I'm not overdoing it. This is nearly impossible given that I'm so anxious to get back and this is my absolute favorite time of year to run.
The PT told me that swelling and achiness will be a part of my life for at least 6 months and likely up to a year as my ankle heals. I'm trying not to get too excited about the progress I've made over the last week. I feel like my body has broken my heart too many times over the last year to trust it.
Getting out of bed in the morning still feels pretty awful. My ankle is very angry and stiff after rest. But I have noticed it loosens up a little faster every few days. And doing things around the house feels a little easier too.
I'm not sure if getting a puppy hurt or helped me heal this week. I've had to go up and down the stairs 5,000 times more and the achiness of getting out of bed has tripled every night for potty breaks. I don't remember it being this chaotic with Max, but then again, I was fully healthy and Adam was a little more able-bodied too.
She had an allergic reaction to her puppy shots and I totally forgot to put on my boot when we left for the emergency vet. It was only a short walk inside, but it felt weird once I realized I was out and about without it.
Every time I swim in the evening, it reminds me so much of 2018. The smell of chlorine and driving home in the dark conjures up all the grief during that time. It's different this time, but the feelings are eerily similar. An injury taking me from something I love, but paling in comparison to far more sad things. There are days that I don't feel it weigh heavily on me, but those days are few and far between right now. I'm hopeful that whenever I can get to the other side of this that things will feel a little more light.
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